The Enlightened Caveman


Relationships 101 – Part 1 – Identifying the Target
December 19, 2005, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Culture and Society, Relationships

Original Post (including comments)
What follows is a series about relationships – why we need them, how we get them, and how we keep them. There are four parts. This is the first – it establishes the target, so to speak. Additional parts include:

  • identifying the target; (click here)
  • how we take control of our environment to make it friendly to our efforts; (click here)
  • the difference between getting relationships and keeping them;(click here)
  • real interpersonal feedback – quantitative concurrence; (click here)

I’m sure there will be more to this as it evolves, but that’s what you have to look forward to. Off we go.

Part 1 – Identifying the Target
It’s all about relationships. If you’re not already tuned into this really basic concept, take my word for it. Or you can go to an old folks home and interrogate the inmates. The ones who can remember their names will, in the vast majority, tell you that the best times in their lives were the ones spent with their loved ones. They won’t go on about their house or their favorite football team. It’ll be love, love, love. Believe me. So, we, being just smart enough to recognize that epiphanies like that, when realized early-on, have a tremendous ripple effect through life, give the idea some thought. And once we do, the pieces fall into place.

It comes down to love – a two-way street of emotional connection and gratification. The desired effect is achieved when there is some balance between love dispensed and love received. The key to that is long-term relationships that are rewarding, dynamic, challenging, and of course, enjoyable. You need all four to get the balance that elicits the full life-enhancing effects of love.
So this is what we’re after – relationships that have these qualities. Fortunately, we can break things down into nice simple terms. There’s a hierarchy, as I see it, which provides a basis for subsequent communication on the topic. It is as follows:

  1. Parent/child relationships. They necessarily embody all of the aforementioned characteristics (if done even half-right).
  2. Sibling relationships. These are deep and wide if all four characteristics are present. Often they’re not enjoyable or rewarding, so the siblings share very little of the kind of love we’re talking about. Yes, they love one another, but they don’t share love with one another; the connection is there, but it is rarely used.
  3. Committed pair-bond relationships. Marriage, partnership, civil union, whatever you want to call it. It’s the duration and the “stuck with each other” factor that creates the dynamic and challenging aspects. Like I said, you need all four. It doesn’t matter how people come by their commitments to one another; it only matters that the commitments are known (even if only among both parties) and that there are understood harmful consequences associated with breaching them.
  4. Extended familial relationships. Aunts, cousins, etc. These adhere to the same rules as sibling relationships – they just yield a little less of the good stuff.
  5. Exclusive (or semi-exclusive) trusted friend relationships. These may be acquired through extended shared experiences or by way of a vouch. They may be Platonic or romantic (as in the case of a relationship headed toward the committed pair-bond category.) The exclusivity is the notion that each person knows that they are the other person’s best friend. Corny as it sounds, this is where the Best Friends Forever (BFF) thing comes in. I have to stop. This is cracking me up.

    (Close laptop)
    (1 Minute Later)

    And, as serendipity would have it, Pammy is on Leno in a skimpy Santa Suit. I’m saved.
    Now (with a completely straight face), the BFF thing hits the key aspects of a productive relationship (in the ideal love balance sense) because there is much satisfaction to be derived from the feeling of exclusivity with other human beings. It is but a perk in the committed pair-bond relationship, but it’s the heart of the BFF. This kind of relationship is dynamic because anything over a long period of time with humans is bound to change, and it is challenging because all parties will work to keep it going. Gay or not, it’s a lot better than being alone.

  6. 6. Non-exclusive trusted friend relationships. Like the BFF relationship – this can be Platonic or romantic. Even though all parties can walk away (either figuratively or literally), there are usually commonalities that keep things together – could be a shared interest, or a shared existence (as in people who work together). And even though there’s no exclusivity, these relationships can be quite deep and gratifying, such as in the case of soldiers who serve in war together.

Beyond those six main types of relationships, you’re not likely to be dealing in much love, or at least not healthy love. You may loooove Tom Cruise, but two-way emotional connections do not transpire when the parties in question don’t know each other. At least not yet. It’s the fucking Innernet, man, so who knows. Regardless, and this requires a delicate touch, the more you think a relationship like that is love, the longer your life sucks.

Now to the matter at hand. We get to decide – because we’re free and we know that life doesn’t happen to us; we happen to it – which of these types of relationships we want to pursue. We can do so through long deliberation or simply by trial and error, which at least has the benefit of getting results. But no matter how we approach it, the fact is that finding worthwhile relationships is different for everyone, but the strategy is basically the same. First the difference.

It’s a real good idea to figure out where you stand on this curve. If you’re the gregarious type and are never at a loss for people to hang out with, you have it easy. If you’re the shy type, you don’t. On another level, even if you’re gregarious in “friend” environments, you may be the shy type in potential pair-bonding situations. In that case, you have it easy for some relationships and tough for others. The point is that it is incumbent upon all of us to know this aspect of ourselves. This is because there’s a cure for whatever ails you. More on that in a moment.

In terms of strategy, it’s also a good idea to start at the bottom of the list and work your way up. Hopefully, it is perfectly obvious that it makes sense to try to extract love from non-exclusive friend relationships before you tackle committed pair-bonds. So how do you do this? The simple answer is to be a good friend and be interesting. That means you’re honest and trustworthy…and fun. Some people find this stuff, the simple stuff, very challenging, and they want for love as a result. But fear not. As I said, there’s a cure.
Alas, my time is up. Sorry for the cliffhanger but compromises have been made. It’s this or nothing.


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