There’s a little thing I call emotional coercion, and it is going on all the place. It’s wrong and it needs to be talked about. Because it doesn’t get much attention, I’ll admit that I find it a bit awkward to describe. But hey, my intentions are good, so here goes.

To coerce is to bring about by force or threat. To emotionally coerce is to bend the actions of others by threatening emotional turmoil. It takes place most prevalently between people in close romantic relationships. It exists because many people choose to appease the desires of hotheads and manipulators because it simply isn’t worth it to do otherwise. For example, a husband with a quick temper emotionally coerces his wife by asserting his wishes upon her, even though he knows that he is making her do what she doesn’t want to do. In some cases, the threat of real force underlies the emotional coercion. In other cases, the outbursts are enough to bend her will. Husbands will often complain about wives who give them so much grief that they avoid behaviors rather than running the risk. Who hasn’t been held hostage by a loved one in tears?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that people need to be allowed to express their emotions. However, some people, the emotionally coercive, are aware of the power they have, and they use it to get what they want. This is no way to interact with people we care about. To those for whom this notion of emotional coercion hits home, I’d say you need to think about how it feels to be forced to do something you don’t want to do. Then think about how despicable it is to do this to a loved one. And to those who find themselves emotionally coerced, I say stand up for yourself. It is never acceptable for someone to wield emotional power over you to get you to behave as they want, not as you want. Yes, there is compromise, but this is beyond compromise, and there is never any chance of confusing the two. Relationships must be built on mutual respect and admiration. Anything less is settling.

I am convinced that good romantic relationships are available to everyone who’s willing to do what it takes to be desirable. Unfortunately, too many people get into relationships that are fraught with emotional coercion. Instead of seeing this as a deal breaker, they suffer on. In doing so, they miss out on the opportunities for real relationships with solid foundations. If the idea that emotional coercion is wrong were articulated alongside the idea that honesty is the best policy, we might end up with a generally more content population. But nothing will ever happen until people realize that this is a human phenomenon that has no place in our modern world of reason.

I know a Brazilian girl who is attractive, smart, and has a great personality. She’s down to earth, open-minded, and accepting of everyone. The problem is that she doesn’t know it. Or maybe she knows it, but it doesn’t matter. There is something else that hinders her ability to realize her value as a human being. She comes from a poor family. In other words, she started life with very little status, and this has given her an inferiority complex that plagues her even to this day.

The current in thinking in evolutionary psychology is that the human mind was designed by natural selection to be very cognizant of status within social groups. In caveman days, when natural selection was in full force shaping man’s ability to survive, being high on the social totem pole translated into a direct reproductive advantage. The humans that survived, therefore, were the ones who had a genetic predisposition to seek and obtain status. They were our ancestors, which means that we share their genetic quest for status. However, now that status is unnecessary for survival, the mind’s tendency to seek it is causing all sorts of problems. My Brazilian friend is a perfect example.

She is a first generation American. Her family moved to the US when she was very young. Her parents have worked tirelessly to give their daughter opportunities that they never had. So, by seeing to it that she was able to attend college, they are still poor. And because she is human and status is important to her brain, she feels inferior to people who come from more wealthy families. She dates a guy whose father is a doctor. She admitted to me once that she often feels uncomfortable around him, especially when his parents are present. It is as if she feels unworthy of him. She suspects that his family would prefer him to date someone with a better background. This is truly sad.

The fact is that our standing at birth is absolutely irrelevant in today’s world. The notion that some people are better than others simply because their families have more money is ludicrous. Yes, it is true that those born into wealth have access to better education. They often have more opportunities in life. However, to suppose that this somehow translates into human value is a tragic mistake.

If you want to see what makes for a valuable human being, go to a cemetery and read some grave stones. Rarely, if ever, will you see, “John Smith 1935-2004, Largest Landowner in the State.” They say things like, “Loving father of three” or “Friend to all people.” The point is that human value can only be based upon ethics. What do we as people hold as the core of our values? Do we respect others? Are we honest? Do we value fairness and justice? Do we seek knowledge? In the end, this is what brings love to our lives, and this, in my view, is what it’s all about.

So, to my Brazilian friend, I say this. Forget about where you come from. Concentrate on who you are as a person. Most importantly, demand that others do the same. Those who would hold your background against you are not worthy of your time, no matter how much money they may have. It is the fact that you are a good person that matters. All else is trivia. Your mind is indeed wired to respond differently, but this is not beyond your control. As a rational, conscious being, you can choose to follow your emotions or you can choose to reason your way to a positive self-opinion. And the good news is that once you start down the road of rejecting those emotions that make no sense, life becomes a much larger place. It gets easier with every passing day to cling to what you know makes for a good person and to reject status-oriented assessments of yourself. When feelings of inadequacy pop into your brain, you simply escort them out, knowing that they are artifacts of our collective human history that have no place in today’s world. Pretty soon, those thoughts will be gone for good.

The plain and simple truth is that those who emphasize status above ethics are the inferior ones. Leave them to their games and get on with your life.

Whether we know it or not, the basis for our self-esteem is normally founded in our expectations of interpersonal acceptance. If we believe we will be accepted by those we encounter, we feel good about ourselves. If we imagine that we’ll be rejected, we feel bad. Of course, this is quite a generalization but, as you may have already concluded, generalizations are my thing. Anyhow, as simple as this sounds, there is a little more to it.

How do we decide if we’re being accepted by people? I think it all comes from past experience. Those who have been burned repeatedly by people they thought were their friends tend to be skeptical of what may appear as acceptance. This makes sense – it’s a defense mechanism. We see this in individuals who carry around insecurity, always offering caveats to their expressed ideas and always claiming to be neutral when the decision to choose a restaurant comes up. Though the individuals in their midst may truly like them, they maintain their skepticism – “I wonder what he’s really thinking” is always on their minds. Some folks get this way by spending too much time with duplicitous people. Even if they have faired well in the acceptance game, being exposed for too long to people who don’t really mean what they say has distorted their ability to trust their perceptions. It’s sad but it’s EVERYWHERE. Mistakes in perception of acceptance also happen on the other end of the spectrum.

Those who have always been accepted will almost automatically expect acceptance, even when the evidence is pretty clear that they aren’t well-liked. We all know people like this, people who act like jerks but are then astonished when they learn that most people don’t care for them. I have found that this presents itself most often in people who are quite physically attractive. My next book will deal with looks and how our minds are tuned to pay deference to the most attractive among us, even though it now makes no sense at all. For now, suffice it to say that it is ironic for some people that the characteristic they have that should make life easy for them ends up making it much harder.

So what’s the point of all this? Simple – there’s an easy solution to the interpersonal acceptance problem. Truth. For those who carry around feelings of insecurity, try this: take EVERYONE at their word. If they’re your family or close friends, tell them that this is your policy. What you get from this is immense. You get out of from under wondering what people are really thinking. If someone tells me they’re neutral and I’m not, we’re eating where I choose. Period. I can’t read minds and it’s too stressful to try. Of course, with people you don’t know, you should never put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of. I’m not saying believe everything someone tells you. I’m just saying don’t try to put other words in their mouth.

Over time, people who don’t mean what they say will get on board with your policy or separate themselves from you. It’s a self-correcting system. (If you do this and find that you still don’t have lots of friends, you’re a different kind of person – not any better or worse than any other, just different. That means you need to pack your crap and find the people out there who are different like you. No matter what, however, do NOT give in and try to fit in where you don’t. It’s not worth it. I promise.) The bottom line is that worrying about what other people are thinking is crazy. Not only does it place unneeded stress on your interpersonal situations, it causes your personality to become too heavily filtered, which is visible to anyone paying attention. Consequently, you may find that people who would normally accept you do not – because you’re not you, you’re the person you think they want you to be. Oh, what an ugly, vicious circle. Take them at their word, trust your gut, and do your thing. Believe me, it works.

And for people who expect too much in interpersonal acceptance, ask yourself these questions: do I automatically think of myself as better than someone because I am more attractive than they are? Do I give preferential treatment to people I believe are “in my league” looks-wise? This is where truth comes in. Be honest. If the answers to these questions are yes, there’s a good chance you’re a jerk and most everyone who knows you thinks so. Get over yourself and recognize that though your looks may confer some perks in daily life, the real litmus tests for value as a modern human being have nothing to do with physical attractiveness. Trust me on this.

This brings me back to the original idea of self-esteem. If you must connect it to expectations of interpersonal acceptance, there’s only one way to do it. Be concerned about being accepted by good people, people who live up to your ethics (this presumes that you’ve reasoned your way to a set of ethics – more on this later). With regard to all others, interpersonal acceptance is irrelevant. In fact, we should want things to be a harshly truthful as possible – that way we know where we stand. If I go to a hoity-toity party and some lady is going on about how the trim on her Mercedes seats was supposed to be white but it turned out to be black, I simply about face and head for the bar. That generally doesn’t go over well, so my acceptance there is probably nil. But that’s OK. I have no interest in acceptance in that kind of environment. Alternatively, if I’m with someone I deeply admire and I get the impression they are disappointed in me, I pursue it. Fortunately, the situations that don’t matter are far more frequent, so, for the most part, interpersonal acceptance is rarely a consideration. Those who think like this are drawn to one another – the discourse is BS-free. As the philosopher Dan Dennett is fond of saying, “You can externalize most anything if you make yourself small enough.” True dat.